Things that don’t so much grow in my garden

I am really pathetic at keeping my houseplants alive. In the old days, when I still worked out of the home for money, I had glorious plants at my desk. A huge swiss cheese plant, orchids, devil’s ivy etc. Now as I survey the last few surviors at home, I feel nothing but pitty for them. They are crunchy, brown and limp all at the same time. Poor plants.